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I'm Darian Slayton Fleming and thank you for joining me on get what you need and feel good about it. Do you find it difficult to ask for what you need? Do you frequently feel misunderstood? Do you have a problem or cause that you would like to learn to manage more effectively? What makes it so hard for us to tell each other how we feel and how do we speak up for ourselves so we get what we need and feel good about it? How do we do this respectfully so that we honor the needs and feelings of others? Together, we'll explore tips, strategies and resources that when used mindfully and consistently, will improve our results and enrich our relationships.

Hello and welcome. Welcome back to get what you need and feel good about it. I'm Darian Slayton Fleming, your hostess and today we are talking about moving from blindness to success and insert any other condition or struggle that you're having some so that you can apply this information to moving from wherever you are to creating the life you would really love living. And today I am joined by Brenda Mosby from Colorado. Welcome, Brenda.

Thank you. Thank you for having me. Appreciate it.

I want to just begin by introducing our listeners to a little bit about your story. I know that you are an advocate, an educator, and a voice of empowerment dedicating to helping us tap into our inner voices and creating the lives we would truly love to be living. And through your work, I understand that you equip individuals with knowledge about our rights, benefits and opportunities, especially around disability, employment and life transitions, so that we can move from survival to stability and purpose. You blend your approach with education, your lived experience and hard centered guidance to inspire us to reclaim our confidence, make informed choices and build futures rooted in self worth and possibility. Brenda says that she has been on a journey from blindness to success and part of her success has been based on changing how she thinks. That's a huge tall order. I know that many of us in our field have experienced various versions of your story, but I find that just having read your bio that you and I have a lot in common. And that's what's so exciting about doing these podcast episodes is there are themes that we all go through and we can be peers and help each other while we're gaining our own strength. So you talk about going from blindness to. To success. So could you tell us a little bit about where you were at that point in your journey where you decided that you wanted to change your life direction?

Yeah. That's why it's so, so interesting when I go back and look at where I was and what was happening and where I am. It feels like a different, different world. But at the age of 40. Give you a little background of myself at age of 40, and within a week, I went from 2020 vision to no vision. And then initially some vision came back. So I am legally blind. I have some perception in my left eye only. And as you can imagine, that was devastating. And it plunged me into a world of depression. And I actually, I didn't even realize I was in depression until years later when I was finding myself, because I had never thought of me being depressed. I just never thought that way. But I know now, looking on it, I was hiding myself from people. I literally left Denver, where I was living, and moved to a cabin in the Evergreen, Colorado, in the mountains. And there I had my talk in my battle, which what I know now is that power within me. I talked to myself and it's like, what is this? What do I need to do? How do I. How do I get back to being normal? How do I stop feeling that I'm worthless and I'm not enough? Because all those feelings were coming up for me, and they were coming up. And I think other people feel this too, from. Not from my family, because they are very, very supportive. But in my mind, I wasn't good enough because all of them were successful.

They.

In our growing up is that we work and we support ourselves and we support our families and we. We buy our homes and, you know, we can consider that successful. So since I didn't know how to do that with my blindness, I just felt worthless. And I spent about four years in that. And that's why I ended up in the mountains, because it's like, I don't. I didn't know where to go. I didn't know where to turn, you know, what to do. So I tried different things. And some of it was kind of funny when I look back on it, because I say, I tell people I actually felt that. I went. A friend of mine took me and I called him later a witch doctor. And he was jumping around and waving things and spitting in my face. And I'm like, oh, no, this. This can't. This can't be an answer. And then I remember going to a church and my friend grabbing me and telling me that she was going to heal me, help me heal where I was. And when I look back on that, I realized that I simply like most of us who acquire a disability. And of course, for me, it was so much later in life, we don't know, it's not like we can go to a doctor. We can't go to a doctor and ask, okay, now how do I live my life now? Because what they're there to do is to help us try to stabilize. And I had a doctor that did try to help me do that. But then after about four years of this, I said, no more. I can't.

This.

This can't be all there is. And I started, and I say now that I think I started asking the right questions of myself. You have a mind. Yes. You may have lost your sight, but you didn't lose your mind. You're still able to think. You're still able to make decisions. And so I think with that, my journey started. And when I was in the mountains, I realized that I have to do something different. I was working with a spiritual counselor. And one of the things we decided is I would go on a retreat. And I did go on a retreat with Unity Church in Kansas City, Missouri, where I started to learn about who I really am. And that is. That is part of what I teach. Because where I was, interestingly at the time, I was asking myself, isn't there more? I was in relationships that didn't work out. I was struggling with money. These things were all happening. And there's got to be more than just this. And another thing that put me on my journey is I said to myself, I've tried everything but God. I've tried everything but God. And what I learned is that that word God is so small, because what that essence is is so, so enormous and just. Just amazing. But what really helped me along the way was understanding that that power, that presence, that essence was always within me. It had always been there. I just didn't know how to tap into it. And so starting my journey, working with a spiritual counselor and going to some retreats, reading books, my favorite author is Louise Hay, whose focus is Love yourself, Love yourself. And I always thought I did. I think of many of us, if we were to say, do you love yourself? I think we would answer, yeah, I love myself. It is one thing to say I love myself. It's another thing to do the things that demonstrate and show you you love yourself. And that's what I started to learn from within myself. How I treat myself, how I see myself is how other people see me and treat me. And a really great example is when early on in my blindness, I thought I was helpless. I thought that I wasn't able to do anything. I was kept asking myself, how do I, you know, what do I do now? How do I use a computer? I didn't know any of that. But what I know is that just like I learned how to read and to write and to ride a bike and do all those things, that's what was happening to me. I was learning another way to live my life, which was fabulous, and it was life changing. I started to understand that as long as I thought I was my eyesight, I was depressed. Once I realized that I'm not my eyesight, I'm not even my body, I am even I'm greater than that in my mind. I can do anything that I can think of. One of the books I read was Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. That was one of my first books. And I remember doing some of the exercises and writing out things that I wanted. And they started to happen. And I started to tap into and understand the power we all have within us is our thinking. How are we thinking? Are we thinking we're sick or are we thinking we're well? Are we thinking we're poor or are we thinking that we're rich, we're prosperous. And we can learn how to change that thinking because it is a state of mind. And so once I started to not only understand it, because that is the first phase of it, but the most important, most important that I have found is practicing it. Practicing the change that you want to have in life. You see, as humans, we have habits, and habits are thoughts. So if I have a habit, let me back it up. I have a habit every day. I brush my teeth, I wash my face. I don't ask myself, you know, should I do it? Can I do it? You know, what should I do? That is a habit. It is automatic. I go in the bathroom, I run the water, I brush my teeth, I wash my face. It's just. It's a habit. It's part of what we do. And so what I found is I had to start to develop a habit of being happy, of being joyful, of being prosperous. I had to learn how to do that. And I learned it by reading from Louise Hay, who helps us to understand that when I love me, when I love myself, then that's what I will start to receive. I will start to receive more love when I'm willing to give myself that love. And I say that because many of us, and I know I was one of them, we were seeking love. We were looking outside of ourselves. Oh, if I find someone to be with, then I'm loved. But that's false, because that's outside of you. Because when that person goes away or that relationship doesn't work, where are we? We're back where we were and we're thinking we're unloved because we tried to find it through someone else or for some people, through a job, through weight loss. We're trying to find it out there. But when I realized that not only do I love myself, I am an essence of love. Love is not something we do. Love is not something we seek. Love is what we are, and it's one of the most powerful places that we can be. Probably the only thing I found that's more powerful for than that is to be grateful with who we are.

You got yourself to a point where you realized you needed to start asking the questions. What was one of the first questions you asked that made a big difference for you?

I think that, and I've asked this question recently, but I know it's the question that has been going on in my mind for a long time and is, what is God and where is God and how do I, how do I use this, this essence, this power? And when, when I start to seek that, what I realized for me is that what I am seeking, if we can call it God or essence or the universe, was it's inside of me, it's within me. And because it's within me, it gives me the power to create the experiences that I, that I want to have. And even those experience I don't think that I don't want to have. Because one of the things that I learned is the experiences that we have are all, they're all good, they're all life changing. For example, when we have experiences that don't feel good, that don't feel comfortable, that just downright is like, I can't believe I'm in this. You know, why did this happen to me? Why did, why did I go blind? What I have learned is those are opportunities for us to make the necessary changes that we want in life to move forward and acquire the love and the joy and the peace that we want. And so in my case, I wanted more. I could not see myself collecting, just collecting a check and sitting in front of a TV and, and watching movies and, and you know, sitting there thinking that I'm worthless and there's, you know, there's nothing I can do. I'm blind now. So there it is. I couldn't accept that. And so understanding that the power to change, it was only with me. It was only with me. And it's really, I think it's kind of hard to explain sometimes, but when we say that we're. We have these bad experiences, I'll use that word, although I. I try to use it less and less, good and bad, because then we label things. But what I know is that the bad experiences, experiences that I've had and will and still have and will continue to have, are the ones that allow me to grow. They allow me to grow. And it is through that growth that I find more love and more joy and more peace because I'm willing to go through that struggle. I'm willing to stop and say, what is it that I need to. Need to learn here? My mind, my body, my soul, they're telling me. And sometimes those struggles want to tell us, stop, this is not working. Or sometimes it wants to tell us this, go this direction. And. And so I've learned not to ignore the things that are. That do happen. And they do happen outside of us because we interact. They happen with other people, they happen with other people. They happen with situations. They happen in working at a job and all of a sudden being told, hey, you're fired, and what. What can happen? And I know I was stuck there for a long time is. I think, oh, my God, what did I do wrong? What's wrong with me? How come I can't do this and how come I can't do that? And then I started to think, well, could it be that I. It was time for me to leave that job? I have a great example of a job that I was on for seven years, and I worked four days a week, and on Fridays, that was my day off. In the weekend, I would do my business. And then the director came to me and said, brenda, we no longer can give you four days a week. You have to work five days like everyone else. And she looked at me, she says, I know you're not going to do it. I said, no, I can't. I can't do it. Because what I was doing outside of that job was what's good. Now, some people may have gotten angry and maybe tried to fight the death. This is what I've been doing. But there was a part of me that realized there was something else. There was something else that was brewing within me. And the director of the nonprofit said to me that it is time for you to fly your wings. It is time for you to soar. And I was limited where I was. So those struggles that we have and those. Oh, and I know that some. Everybody has a different idea of what's. What's Bad and what's good, you know, what's hard and what's not. And that's because we, we individually have our experiences. One of the reasons I, I'll never forget being at a conference and a man said, when I look and I believe this with my heart and soul, when I look upon the face of another person, I see God. I see God because I believe that God dwells within each and every one of us. What we decide to do with that, it's up to the, to individuals. And that's where, how, how I live my life now and how I know one of the things that came out of this and I, I want to talk more about what I do is I am very clear what my purpose is in this, in my life and on this planet at this time. I'm very clear about that. And I am here to be of service to others. I know that. And it shows up in so many different ways, so many different ways. But I know that that is what I love to do and why I went to school and obtained my master's in rehabilitation counseling. Because one of the things I know, and I've seen it in talking to you today and so many other people that I know and I'm, and I so looking forward to meeting others. That disability, Having a disability does not determine who we are, doesn't determine who we are. It determines how we function through life. But even if we think about it, the term is disability is only a category because there are financial programs in our country and they have set aside funding that says if you qualify as a person with a disability, you're eligible for support and funding. It's just a category. It's not a determination of who we are. What we can do, where we can go is not.

I agree with that. I, I, I, I tell my clients quite often a diagnosis is, is a starting point. It informs how we can work with what we have. It's, if there's any purpose for having a label, the purpose is to give us a starting point so that we can determine what our options are and work from there. And our options going back to something else you said earlier, are really behaviorally informed, our thoughts. You mentioned how you had a habit of thinking, I can't. How can I do this? What, what do I do now? And when you changed that thinking to acting on, asking the questions about what can I do now? And then actually doing those things, that's when life started turning around for you and you realized, I don't have to be limited by what I Thought sight loss looked like because I am more than sightless. Do you have any success stories of other people you have worked with that you have permission to share or that you can share without names about someone else who.

Yeah.

Discovered that, that had that epiphany, one.

That was recent, that it even amazed me. I started walking, working with an individual who was struggling with. See if I can say this correctly. Acrophobia, and actually obtained an apartment within a few blocks of the work the person was doing and was able to get to work and to give back. So the struggle was not only struggling coming out of the home, but unable to get on a bus, unable to get in a car, unable to ride a train. And the individual had been struggling for about seven years with this. And then I was asked to work with her. And within a month, within us and what we did. Let me first talk about what we did is we just, we just talked. And one of the. And I'm going to call it, I feel a gift that I have is helping people to see within them what they are capable of, what they can do. Because for many people like this individual, that was not. It's not like that's where that person started. Years before, the seven years that individual was taken driving a car, riding buses, working, obtaining degrees, was doing all of this. And then there was an eruption that happened. And so in our working together, I think the biggest thing I was able to help with was reminding her, reminding the person that they have, they have the ability to do this. They have the ability to change what they are thinking, what they are feeling. These are thoughts in the mind. There is a thought that I can't get on the bus. It is a thought that I can't drive a car. It is a thought. And when we can, when we worked on changing the thought and we did use techniques like affirmations. I am, I am a driver. I ride a bus easily. Then the individual started to use the techniques, the affirmations. We came up with techniques like being still breathing. Breathing is a huge technique when it comes to our mind. When we have a negative thought come up and we can take a breath, that breath itself just. It stops that thought. And that's an opportunity to create a new thought. Usually what happens is we don't even realize we're really not breathing because when negative thoughts come up, we just. We're in such a habit and they feel so, so normal that we just keep going in that same thought and we build on that same thought. That same thought. That's not Working for us. But if we could just take a breath when the thought comes up and which is some of what this person used that I can't, I can't get on the bus. When this individual walk to the bus stop, and those thoughts were coming up pretty, pretty powerfully, but took a deep breath. I'm going to do this. I'm willing to try to do this. And within a month of working together, the person was getting on the bus. I would get this person report back to me. I decided to go downtown. I got on the bus and I went to the park. And then once those things start, we built on it. And the next thing was getting in the car, next thing was getting on the train. And probably the biggest triumph that this person shared with me is where this person was living. The. The rent was high. It wasn't really a great place. And on the individual's own, they were able to look for a more affordable and a nicer apartment. And they did, they moved, they packed up. Because.

Because.

When we start to see that, oh, we have a possibility, wait a minute, okay, this, maybe I can do this. Well, I. I did that. So, okay, let me try this. And then, and it's just like we start building a new habit of being able to do that within three months, this. This individual moved into their new place and was just joyful, joyful. Now, the key to all of that, which when I work with people and I talk with them, you have to keep practicing this new habit until it's just. It's just something that you automatically do. The key is to practice it, because we will naturally. We will naturally go back to those old habits, but they'll only remain if we don't have anything to replace them.

But I have come to believe that our breath is just not a mechanical life force that keeps us alive. It's a gift given to our bodies to help us reduce stress, to help us relax. I have a formula that I teach my clients that is kind of like what you're talking about, which is pause. Because the pause gives us space, breathe. That helps tension release, sends oxygen to our brains. It actually opens us up to the next step, which is assess. So you asked yourself questions at the very beginning. We talked about this. When you were listening to your inner voice, you were asking yourself, well, what can I do? And so when we assess, we begin to be able to listen to our inner voice. And then we respond. And there is a difference between a reaction which is conditioned the way we've always done things, and the response, oh, I can do this in another way. And you also mentioned regaining our confidence in your bio. And I have seen it in myself and so many other people. When I start taking action and seeing that what I am doing is helping, I get my confidence back. You talked about the words good and bad, and I. I heard Marcy Schimoff, who wrote the Happy for no Reason book, say it's really helpful if we eliminate words like good and bad should and shouldn't from our vocabulary. So I think it's more helpful to say, what would be helpful? Is this helpful? If it's not helpful, what is helpful? What could be helpful? And I think you. You were able to guide that client through that process of discovering what was helpful. Not talking started the process, but when that person started taking action, that person started living life again.

Another powerful technique. And what I teach also in my program is not trying to avoid negative thinking. Sometimes people think I have to be positive, you know, so if a negative thought comes up, well, I gotta get rid of it, because it's not positive. And what I hope people understand, a negative thought is just as important as a positive one, maybe more important, because those negative thoughts are coming up to teach you, to show you, to tell you what you are, what you are doing. It's probably not working for you, is saying, maybe it's time to change. You see, we need our negative thoughts. They're not bad. They're not bad. They're opportunities. Because if I have come up with a negative thought and then I can change that thought into what I want, that's given me the opportunity to be closer to joy and happiness and love. But I found that initially, especially when I first started teaching, because I didn't really understand it. But now it's very clear to me that negative thoughts are just as important as the positive ones. I think it's the negative thoughts, as I just said a few minutes ago, it's the negative thoughts that challenge us. So what we do is that we find out, because I myself, I stop and I say, what. What am I? What do I have to learn? You know, this. This doesn't feel good. This very. Feels very uncomfortable. So there's something here I need to learn. I need to change. I need to do. And if I'm willing to go into that discomfort and work on that and resolve that, that's when the feelings of love and joy and peace and happiness happen in our lives.

Brenda, this has been a very enlightening conversation as we close. Can you recite your quote for us?

The quote that I have. And it was actually the title of my commencement speech that I gave at the graduating class of under my undergrad. And it is, it's not what happens to us, but what we do with what happens to us.

Thank you so much, Brenda. And look for Brenda's information in the show notes and tune back in in February for another episode of get what you need and feel good about it. Take care.

Thank you for joining me today on get what you need and feel good about it. Remember, when you speak up for yourself assertively, you will get what you need and feel good about it. You will also be showing respect for yourself and for the other people in your life who are important to you. Until next time, try thinking about it like Stephanie Lahart says it.

Say what.

You mean, mean what you say, but don't say it.

Mean world before it gets too late. And the only way to do this is with hope, not aid. Yes, the only way to do this.

Is with hope, not hate.