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I'm Darian Slayton Fleming and thank.

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Hello and welcome back to get what you need and feel good about it. Today I am revisiting the idea of being a mindful parent and this episode is called Mindful Mom. I am joined again by Julie Womack. Julie is the founder of Mindful mom where she creates a space for healing and hope for moms enduring the angst of disconnection from their grown children. She is a certified happiness trainer who teaches others how they can maintain their happiness despite the challenges that come through our lives. Through her own journey of loss and self discovery. Julie, hello and welcome back to get what you need and feel good about it. Today I am revisiting the idea of being a mindful parent and this episode is called Mindful Mom. I am joined again by Julie Womack. Julie is the founder of Mindful mom where she creates a space for healing and hope for moms enduring the angst of disconnection from their grown children. She is a certified happiness trainer who teaches others how they can maintain their happiness despite the challenges that come through our lives. Through her own journey of loss and self discovery, Julie finds peace and joy in everyday life and now helps other moms do the same. Julie offers her authentic self while sharing mindful practices, honest conversations, and a safe space where moms can heal, rediscover and remember that joy is still possible. What a wonderful way to begin. Welcome Julie.

Thank you, Darian. So nice to be here again.

Nice to have you back. Julie. Tell us what inspired you to create your Mindful mom project.

Okay. Well, honestly, I really didn't set out to create anything like this. It grew out of my own personal experience. I went through a really difficult season with my grown daughter where we became very distant and as a single mom who raised one child, that was a pretty tough pill to swallow. So I never imagined I end up in that space of separation after being so close for so long. So really, it just came out of my own journey.

Some of you who have been listening to my podcast know that I have been through a similar experience, and my son and I had a lot of conflict in our lives, and we were beginning the healing process when he overdosed and lost his life in February. And so my connection with Julie since I met her about a year ago has just been so warm and supportive and comforting. And I really consider you a friend. And thanks for being there for me and other moms.

Oh, I feel the same, Darien. I mean, I believe we crossed paths for a reason, and that was partly to start our healing, so thank you. Right.

So what do you want moms to know about facing this issue of separation?

Well, what I want parents to know is that when we do the work to heal ourselves, we're not just healing our own hearts. We're actually healing our children and even our grandchildren. Statistically speaking, when parents and adults, adult children, don't find healing that they need, the likelihood is high that the pattern will repeat. So without any tools for conflict resolution, they may struggle in their own relationships down the line. So the pain doesn't stop with us, and it gets passed on. So what's so important is, you know, as moms, we really have to realize that we. We have the strength to overcome this. We are their role models for how to handle life's difficult and difficulties, despite our own flaws. And, you know, we have many. We have many flaws. But as moms, we don't give up trying to find solutions, even when we don't know the answers. You know, even though. When we don't know the answers ourselves and even when they're grown. So when we go first by choosing healing and showing up differently, they will follow. Our healing becomes their blueprint.

In fact, the statistic that we learned about in our Happy for no reason certification training is that 50% of our happiness set point is determined by genetics. And that if patterns continue, like you said, Julie, then the unhappiness and the unhealthy patterns passed down through the generations, and if we can model healthy habits now, we can turn that around, and that statistic then becomes 95% of the set point. It. It increases to 95%.

Yes. Yes, that's so true. That's so true. And, you know, we don't even realize that. Right. So we have to really be aware of, you know, what we're modeling.

Right. And I do want to point out, too, though, that many of us carry a lot of guilt, and I know I do. And I went through the process recently after my son died of asking myself, what can I forgive myself for? And I realized that I did a lot of things right.

Yes, yes, exactly. That is so important to realize that, because we do shower ourselves with this guilt and, and then we cloud our minds forgetting that we were great parents. You know, we didn't know what we were doing, but you know what, we survived it and we did some really great things. So we kind of forget about that when we're drowned in our guilt.

What would you say when asked, how can I fix things if I'm feeling cut off?

Well, you know, it's not really our responsibility to fix anything, as we all must live with the choices we make. You know, that's how we learn. And that being said, when our kids cut us off, it can feel pretty impossible to heal. But here's the thing. Healing doesn't start with them. It starts with us. We don't have to wait for reconciliation in order to begin our own repair work. So I, I feel that that's what our responsibility is. So when we do the inner work, whether it's through self reflection therapy, spiritual practices, or learning new communication skills, we create the possibility of a different future. Even our children aren't ready. Even though our children aren't ready to come back to us right now, they can still feel the shift in us. Every bit of healing we do sends out an energy that the universe just can't help but to respond to. And, you know, the universe is good. The universe is on our side. And when they become parents, the healthier version of us is the one that will be modeled for their kids, and that matters.

What do you think moms need the most during this challenging time?

Oh, gosh. Well, for me, and I truly believe this, for every mom out there, connection, it's so important. This type of dysfunction in a relationship with your grown child can, can be a very lonely place. When I realized my daughter and I was, you know, it was becoming more difficult. There was such a void, Darian, that I wasn't used to. And I, I felt as if I was the worst parent ever. I mean, I honestly believe that I, that no one else was going through this. So I know that feeling. You know, you get bombarded and you're like all of a sudden being accused of this and having this disrespectful behavior thrown at you and, and, you know, it's just something that, you know, you're, you're, you're blindsided. Right. So I connected with another mom. I was Lucky. Luckily enough, like you, Darian, our paths crossed and at the right timing. And you know, this friend of mine, Tracy, she was facing similar things with her son. And although we were strangers, as you and I were at the beginning, when we met, our common bond instantly made us trustworthy friends, right? So with Tracy, we kept in touch weekly and we agreed to reach out whenever we encountered those weak moments, as we all have them, because we know it's like a roller coaster, right? So that made us made such a difference to know that even when you're having a meltdown, someone will be there who knows exactly what you're going through. So for both of us, you know, we both, we did our own personal growth work separately. And as we learned tools and we shared it with each other, we got better at regulating our emotions and finding new responses to whatever we were facing, whether it's about our child or not. Because, you know, as we all know, when you go through something like this, if you let it, you know, you can just be a mess, right? So you need all the support you can get. And eventually, you know, we became mindful moms, you know, realizing we were actually made for more. You know, we are more than. We are more confident now in our roles as moms and women in general, and learn to focus on our wholeness beyond motherhood. So the energy we carry matters, you know, when we live from guilt and fear and doubt, that energy spills into our relationships. When we cultivate peace and self compassion, honoring who we really are, that energy radiates outward too, and it makes all the difference. So, you know, Tracy and I just, we bonded. And I think that's so important because we need each other to lift each other up at different times. Because like I said, it's a roller coaster of emotions. When you're going through this, am I doing the right thing? Should I reach out? Should I not? You know, what do I say? And so we, we just supported each other. And this, you know, went on for like about a year. And I think we're in a good place now. Not all our problems are solved or, you know, in quotation marks I'm putting solved, but, you know, we just know how to deal with it better. You know.

It occurs to me that you and Tracy created a safe space for each other to have. Peer to peer.

Yes.

Support.

Yes. I truly believe that's. That works for me anyway. I mean, there are groups out there, Darian, and you know, and I'm in some groups, but for me, I. My experience, one on one, like you said peer to peer is so important because it's such a tender, sensitive time when you're going through this that then. And it's unique. I feel it's unique. Even though it happens globally, you know, it's really a mother's. I don't know, mother's issue. I don't know what to say. But, you know, it really is something that only a mother can understand, I feel. And so we. We did that, you know, and. And that really did uplift each other up. So I think the intimate connection is very important, you know, that that's why I want to reach out to moms and, you know, who are looking for another mom to connect with because not everybody, you know, has that opportunity.

Right. And in a peer to peer relationship.

Yes, yes.

I feel like you've been able to give me some insight that helps me hold myself accountable. But. But your space is a place of safety because when you go through it yourself, you don't judge others.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. And, you know, sharing different perspectives at different times, you know, really helps. And especially when it's from one person who. Who hears you and sees you and feels you, you know, so, you know, that's why you and I are able to, you know, share with each other. And, you know, maybe I'm having a bad day or you're having a bad day.

What can moms do right now to begin healing?

Well, you know, I have a few. But first, I would say give yourself grace. You know, you've been through a lot. We feel like we've been beaten up for no reason. So give yourself a few minutes of meditation or silence each day just to unwind and relax without trying to figure anything out. Don't try to answer any questions, you know, or anything. Just be. Sit in silence for at least five minutes. Declutter your mind of all the accusations, guilt, and sadness and just ground yourself and just be present in the silence. You know, that. That would be number one. Another one would be, you know, listen to positive, uplifting music. Because, you know, you'll get triggers, right? You'll get triggered by a memory or something else that if you can find a good, you know, positive, uplifting music, this can instantly change your mood. It interrupts the negative thoughts, thought patterns in your head, and brings you back to a place of hope, peace, and possibility. You know, we're. I feel like when you're going through this, we're constantly trying to figure out, why did this happen and what can I do? And, you know, I feel like it's important to kind of let that go and just put it out there and concentrate on ourselves. So these might seem little, you know, like little seeds that we're planting in your mind. And little by little, the change in the atmosphere inside you will and will change. Your energy will shift your energy and everything around you will start to shift too. And then, of course, lastly, I would definitely say if you can reach out to another moment, that would be the ideal thing. Joining groups might work for you. And for me, it works. If I want to get some inspiration and maybe want to see what other moms are going through, if I can relate to it, that's all good. But for me, like you said, peer to peer, find another mom who is willing to face the truths, do the work, maybe pray together, just support each other in every step of the way can be very powerful because the grief, the grief can be very heavy. And you want somebody who walks the same walk and is willing to work towards joy.

I think what you're saying also is that a lot of times we think that if we can fix our child, if we can teach them a different way to be, that things will get better. But for you and for me too, things started getting better when I realized that I couldn't change him, but I could work on myself. And there were points in my relationship with my son where when I stopped trying to fix him, right, And I started focusing on changing my behavior, he responded in kind because it gave him space to do his own work.

Exactly. Exactly. The thing of it is, Darian, when we get into this situation, you know, we. We're. We're mothers, we're nurturers, and we're problem solvers. You know, even though we don't. We might not think that, but. And so we want instant gratification. We want to teach them a lesson and move on. Right. But it's not like that with grown children. I mean, there are. They are adults now. They make their own choices and we have to respect that and support them as well. You know, are the choices they make always good? No, but, you know, we. We just need to be their safe space also. But we can't do that until we feel safe in our own body.

Right. Where can moms find you if they want to learn more about being a mindful mom?

Well, if they want to reach out personally with a question, just want to share their story with me, they can actually email me@hello, hello, mindfulmom808.com and also really just connect with me on my mindful Mom Facebook page where I share encouragement, practices and little reminders, you know, and just offer some support. Honestly, I'm not a real big social media person, but I know that people turn to Facebook for a lot of, you know, to release their thoughts and maybe share their wisdom. So if you're looking for daily inspiration or just want to, you know, come have a small community that understands, that's the easiest place to start. I don't know if you want to talk me to talk about my, my book.

I do. Okay.

So I did create a. It's just a small, simple prayer book for those, you know, maybe sensitive moments for moms while, while they're going through this. It's called Grace Between Us. It's an ebook and you can find it. We'll have the link in the show notes. And also I do offer a Mindful mom mentoring call which like I said, I feel peer to peer is golden. And it's a one time call, you know, and just for us to connect and if, you know, you want to continue on, we can continue on and be mindful mom friends. But the link will also be in the show notes below.

Right. All of Julie's contacts and links will be in the show notes. And before we close, I just want to talk about what it means to be mindful. And I know I'm throwing this at you.

No, it's okay at the spur of the moment.

But what, what made you choose to call your project Mindful Mom?

Well, you know, because when I was going through it, I. I really understood how my mind got so clouded with all this accusations, guilt. And I mean, I did it. I really started not feeling well about myself and I just realized how, how sharp my mind is. I mean, and what I mean by sharp is that if you really allow it, it will take in whatever information you give it, you know, whatever you're around. And I realized that I don't have to be that way. I can be in control of my thoughts, you know, and as we learned in the happiness training as well, right. I mean, we can take control of it and. But yet our mind is so sensitive. It'll just whatever you feed it, it'll give it to you and then it'll get into your heart. So you want whatever you put into your heart, whatever you're feeling in your heart, you want it to coincide with your mind. So I just told myself, okay, I'm going to start thinking positive thoughts about myself, about my situation, about everything. And I started feeling better. You know, I started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, you know, And I just felt like if I can be mindful of my thoughts, then things can change. I'm not sure what the change is going to be, but I know it has to be better than what I was feeling before. And that's really what was my main. My main focus was to get out of pain because I just was a very unhappy person, and I didn't like that, you know, And I felt if I'm an unhappy person, everything around me I touch is just going to be unhappy, you know, it's not going to make me happy. So I had to take control of it, and I had to decide, how do I. How do I want to feel, you know, in this moment? And it started from there.

So you really started noticing and being aware of your thoughts and your feelings, and then you were intentional about taking action, which included teaching yourself to reframe those thoughts and put yourself in a more positive frame of mind on purpose.

Right, right. And, you know, what's so important? What I noticed is that as I started noticing that I could, you know, start thinking positive things and feeling positive things. If I encountered someone who wasn't. Who was very negative or whatever, I was really aware of what they were saying. I mean, we could just be having a casual conversation at a, you know, coffee house or whatever, and they might say, like, oh, the service is so slow here, or something, and that would really trigger me, and I would think, well, maybe it's slow, but is that. Is that a reason to be in pain about it? You know what I mean? I just had these conversations with myself, and I started thinking, well, you don't really have to say that. I mean, you know, it's not a matter of life and death. That's the thing. If it's not a matter of life or death, then it's not a big deal. You know, you should be able to just be happy that you're there. You know, we were there having coffee, whatever, you know, we got served. So anyway, it started off with little things like that, and then I just kind of exploded it towards my actual situation with my daughter, you know.

So how we think and how we act doesn't just affect us, it affects the people around us. And. And we've said this throughout the interview. What we do, it affects other people. So if we can be mindful, it can have a huge impact on healing our relationships.

Right.

And.

And, you know, we're. We don't realize it, but we're. How we act, how we behave, how we think. What we say, we're actually being a role model to each other. You know what I mean? So, you know, if you want to be around positive people and they're not so positive right at the moment, you know, don't just walk away. I mean, if you have to be in a situation, then maybe model. I mean, don't be afraid to model the goodness, you know, that you're feeling, because that's what it's about. And you know, Mike Dooley says thoughts become things. So I always believe that. And so I just try to always think positive things.

As we close, then, do you have a quote that you can leave our listeners with?

Yeah, I do, actually. It's. I just want people to remember this. Healing doesn't mean that damage never existed. It just means the damage no longer controls us.

That is beautiful. Such great words to keep in mind. Julie, thank you for joining us today on get what you need and feel good about it. Glad to have you. Welcome. And we'll see you back next month for another episode of get what you need and feel good about it. Thank you, Julie.

Thank you very much.

Thank you for joining me today on get what you need and feel good about it. Remember, when you speak up for yourself assertively, you will get what you need and feel good about it. You will also be showing respect for yourself and for the other people in your life who are important to you. Until next time, try thinking about it like Stephanie Lahart says it say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it before it gets it's too late.

And the only way to do this is with hope not. Yes, the only way to do this.

Is with hope, not hate.