I'm Durian, slate and Fleming and thank you for joining me on get what you need and feel good about it. Do you find it difficult to ask for what you need? Do you frequently feel misunderstood? Do you have a problem or cause that you would like to learn to manage more effectively? What makes it so hard for us to tell each other how we feel and how do we speak up for ourselves so we get what we need and feel good about it? How do we do this? Respectfully, so that we honor the needs and feelings of others. Together, we'll explore tips, strategies and resources that, when used mindfully and consistently, will improve our results and enrich our relationships. Hello and welcome back. To get what you need and feel good about it, deepen your communication and connection and the subtitle is ask questions and ask for clarification today, I have invited Amber Needham back to join me for this episode. You may remember that she and I shared our experience with discovering happiness in the episode entitled happiness is a choice. Welcome back, Amber. It's so great to have you with me again.

Thank you so much, Darian. It's a true pleasure being here.

Amber is the author of the Blind Girl sees seeing through the heart and not the eyes.

Today I want to talk about the use of different kinds of questions and asking for clarification. If you think about your relationships and times when you have had conflict, it may have been because you might have made assumptions about what someone meant by a comment they made. You may have a history of certain disagreements not going well, and now you may be a little anxious about how your interactions will go. So the techniques I'm going to talk about with Amber today are tools that can help improve your outcomes. Anytime we communicate with anyone, it's important to remember to use our active listening skills. Be sure to listen. Oftentimes, I have noticed that we might be asking a question, but already thinking about what our next question will be or assuming the answer will be what we are looking for. It's important to be curious and really open to what other people say so that we can achieve a deeper understanding. So we want to really be sure to listen to the answer the other person gives us. It might even be important to ask permission to ask questions. And when we are listening and asking questions, it's very important to be aware of what the other person is saying so that we don't miss great opportunities for additional follow up questions. As we talk today, we will talk about follow up questions because follow up questions deepen the conversation. They advance the conversation. They bring us to new levels of understanding that we might not have even expected. But usually a conversation when we're asking for clarification and working on solving a problem or getting to know a person, is richer when we keep it going by asking follow up questions every time we engage with the person, with the attitude of openness and listening that involves using empathy and checking for understanding, not making assumptions. And really, the questions we ask help deepen our understanding. It's also important to watch our timing. Sometimes a question after our spouse returns home from work might be out of order. Our spouse may need time to unwind, may need time to go change his clothes or use the bathroom, or just go sit out on the patio and unwind for a few minutes. It's also important to watch our tone. It's often said that problems arise not from what we say, but how we say it. It's also important to determine the context. Certain questions maybe aren't appropriate in a group setting, such as a family gathering, but might be better asked in private. And be sure to be aware of how comfortable people are with answering personal questions. There are several types of questions that are used in communication, and we don't always know all of this just by rote. Some people are better at using questions to clarify communication than others. Questions to stay away from in most situations are what we call close ended questions. They might be appropriate in some situations, such as if you are working with a person who has difficulty with verbal skills, perhaps a person with speech difficulties. Instead of saying, what do you want for lunch? It's sometimes easier to say, would you like a hamburger? Close ended questions usually result in single word or short answers. They're useful for obtaining facts specific information. They often bring conversations to a screeching halt. Some words to avoid when you're starting to ask a close ended question are, well, are, was, did, do, didn't, will, won't, aren't, would. And if Amber and I are going to just have a little exchange here using close ended questions to demonstrate what that might sound like. Amber, hello. Hi. How was work today?

Work was wonderful.

Okay, that's a very positive answer to a close ended question, but did it give us any information about why I work was wonderful or what made it wonderful? You might notice that if it seems like control of the conversation has gone to the person being asked the questions, it might be an indicator that you're asking close ended question. When we ask close ended questions, it often feels like an interview or an interrogation rather than a conversation. Amber?

Yes?

Did you pass the exam today?

No.

Oh. If I was going to continue that conversation, I would want to use some of my active listening skills, such as empathy, and say, wow, it sounds like you're disappointed. And then I might want to ask further questions, which we call open ended questions. Close ended questions are easy to answer, but they usually provide specific fact or a short answer that doesn't require much thought. In fact, people may feel like they don't want to explore, and that's why they give us short answers. Another question that can either be powerful or dangerous in a conversation is why? We often ask that question to try to gain a deeper understanding. Because we're curious, because we want to solve a problem. I usually recommend to my clients that we avoid the question, why? Because it can cause us to feel accused of something or put on the defensive. Sometimes people feel like they are being blamed or that they have to justify their reasons for their feelings or their actions. Using the question why? Can often be misinterpreted. So, Amber, why did you go to bed without washing the dishes last night?

I don't know. I. I just didn't feel like doing them.

So, Amber, how did you feel when I asked you that question?

I felt put on the spot. I felt that I may have done something wrong. I felt that I may have disappointed you by not doing the dishes before going to bed.

Right.

Like I had done something that dissatisfied you.

How did that feel, thinking that you dissatisfied me?

It felt very contracted in my body.

Right. So some questions that can be more effective might be. Tell me about that. What is the back story? So in that case, I might say, amber, can you tell me what was going on last night? Because I am curious what happened. I was really looking forward to getting up and having a clean kitchen so I could make you breakfast.

Well, I was really tired last night. I can't explain why. I just knew that it was best that I go to bed early knowing that I would get up and make do the dishes the next morning. And thank you for thinking of me to want to make me breakfast.

You are so welcome. So we can use these questions. Sometimes it's not a question you can say, tell me about that. But these questions are used to expand on a conversation after asking a close ended question. So if you find that you've asked a close ended question, as long as you are conducting your conversation with open, honest empathy, you can always make the repair by asking further questions that are more open ended. When we use open ended questions, it's kind of like following the information superhighway. You can craft a very deep conversation by continuing to ask more open ended questions to find out more about a person's feelings, needs, or desires. Open ended questions are very useful for gaining detailed answers that we can build off of. You can also specify boundaries around open ended questions if you want to keep the conversation on a certain topic. For example, sometimes open ended questions can be too open, especially if you were looking for specific information. One type of open ended questions is called funneling questions. These start with a narrow focus, almost like a close ended question. They help transition to a broader scope to gather more detailed information. They can be helpful to get specific information. Try to get someone to be interested in a topic or to build their confidence. If you're struggling to get the person to open up, try narrowing the questions and then broadening them after you get them into the conversation. Let's see if we can demonstrate an example of a funneling question, which starts with a narrow focus and then is followed up with more open ended questions. Amber, how was work today?

Work was good.

I'm glad to hear that. Were you working on today that you enjoyed?

Well, the project that I'm working on right now is a resource guide for a new business. It's a wonderful project.

Wow. What kind of resources are you focusing on?

I'm trying to broaden my resource to include videos, podcasts, articles, books, and compile them all into a guide that I can offer people.

So that sounds very interesting. What is your audience? Who will you be offering this guide to?

I'll be offering this resource guide for people who are stuck in life, who feel defeated, and they're just looking for a golden rope to hang on to, to pull them out of the contracted emotions and feelings that they have and broaden themselves into feeling happier.

That's wonderful. So when Amber and I were planning this podcast, we decided to focus on a couple of different scenarios that we all find ourselves in when we need help or when we want to improve our relationship with someone, actually to put ourselves in a position where we feel good about our outcomes. And so another scenario that you might find yourself in might be a healthcare situation, perhaps you have a chronic illness, let's say diabetes, and you are going to. You're at your doctor's appointment to talk about recent difficulties with managing your blood sugar. If your doctor says, are you watching your diet? What kind of question do you think that is? Amber?

That is a closed ended question, right?

So, Amber, are you watching your diet?

Yeah, sure.

Now, if I wanted to, if I was the doctor and I wanted to find out more. I could use a follow up question or a funneling question, and I could say, what kinds of foods are you eating for breakfast?

I know I need to cut back on my orange juice. However, I'm eating oatmeal and fruit and sometimes I add some syrup. Maple syrup. I know that's not good either. And I probably put in too much fruit. Yeah, maybe my diabetes. Maybe I shouldn't be doing that.

What are some other options for beverages that you have considered?

Well, I love my orange juice. However, I like water too, and I can flavor it with lemon.

That sounds like you've given some thought to that. So when we meet again, I'll be reviewing your diet with you to see what progress you're making and how you're feeling about managing your health through your diet. So we want to ask open ended questions after other questions to increase our understanding. So after a person is finished answering questions, you can ask further questions, referring back to what they said. This is not just to help us understand, but it also encourages the other party to explore how they are feeling and what they need. And it actually deepens their understanding of their experience and our empathy and understanding for what they are going through. Open ended questions keep conversations. They encourage deeper, more meaningful exchanges. When we use these kind of questions, it demonstrates that we are interested in the other person. It encourages other people to talk about themselves, and it indicates that we really do care about how they feel. It invites sharing of feelings and generates conversation. Open ended questions also help draw people out who may be quiet, nervous, or new to a situation. These questions can help put people at ease. We can use these questions to avoid pressuring people to give us the answer we want and to avoid influencing their responses. Open ended questions invite multiple responses. They encourage different kinds of answers. They even can be useful in coming up with solutions, helping people share their opinions, and even spark creative problem solving or creative planning. Another type of open ended question is called a probing question, so we can probe for clarity and completeness. If an open ended question results in a general answer, another open ended question might generate more information. If you are having a conversation with your spouse or your partner, let's say, Amber, that we are planning a trip, we might start with a relatively close ended question, such as, where would you like to go Saturday on our trip? So, Amber, where would you like to go on our trip on Saturday?

I don't know. Maybe. Maybe let's go to Buffalo.

What would you like to do in Buffalo? What would be interesting to see there?

I heard that they have the greatest art exhibitions and science center. I'd love to go see that so.

We can probe for clarity by asking additional questions. You notice that I started by asking, Amber, where would you like to go on our trip Saturday? And she said, oh, let's go to Buffalo. Then I said, what would you like to do or see in Buffalo? And she told me more. What did you say, Amber? I'm going to have to edit this out because I want to ask another question about that.

I just said that there was art exhibition and the science center was there, and I heard that it was fabulous and I wanted to experience it.

What about the science center? Are you hoping to see what kinds of science activities interest you?

I just love the learning. I love going and just experiencing all the different new things that I didn't know.

When we ask these questions, we expand on our understanding. We expand on the other person's knowledge. Probing questions that help us establish clarity and completion can be about predictions, such as, what do you think is going to be the outcome of the 2024 election? Or they can help people explore the possible consequences and cause and effect of choices that we might make. When you are in a two way conversation, it's also helpful if you encourage the other party to ask you open ended questions. This keeps the conversation going, and it becomes an actual exchange rather than an interview. So, Amber, how did you feel about the doctor's appointment that you had today?

I felt pretty good about it. I had some questions that I asked the doctor, and he was quite thorough about it. It's making me feel easier about the upcoming procedure where I'm having.

What was comforting. What did he say that was comforting?

Well, he let me know that this that I'm experiencing is normal, which was reassuring, and that not to worry. And that was also incredibly important.

In closing, I would like to share a couple of awesome quotes about communication. The first one is, we have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. And that is by a greek philosopher, Epictetus. The next quote is by a well known positive psychology and communication expert, Tony Robbins, who says, to effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others. Amber, thank you so much for being with us today, and I am always happy to share time with you, and I wish you and all of our listeners happy communicating and relating. Thank you for joining me. Amber, thank you. And we will see you again in July for the next episode of get what you need and feel good about it. Thank you for joining me today on get what you need and feel good about it. Remember, when you speak up for yourself assertively, you will get what you need and feel good about it. You will also be showing respect for yourself and for the other people in your life who are important to you. Until next time, try thinking about it like Stephanie Lahart says it. Say what you mean. Mean what you say, but don't say it.

Mean.

Yes. The only way to do this is.

With hope, not hate.