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I'm Darian Slayton Fleming, and thank you for joining me on GET what

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Hello and welcome back to GET what YOU need in FEEL GOOD ABOUT it. I am Darian Slayton Fleming, your hostess. And today I'm excited to welcome back Sarah Weigel, who was with us in April talking about accepting the different parts of ourselves. Today we are going to talk about breaking up with victimhood. Welcome, Sarah. It's so good to have you back.

Thank you so much, Darian. I am so excited. This is one of my favorite topics, breaking up with victimhood. I love talking about this. Not everybody likes this conversation. I do.

I just want to remind people a little bit about your background. So Sarah is an astrologer, a personal development coach, and a mentor. She focuses on self acceptance, breaking up with victimhood, and wellness. Sarah got into astrology after years of personal development work and found that she had even more questions about herself. Now Sarah implements astrology with personal development coaching with clients to help them reach self acceptance and really become who they want to be in the world. In her spare time, she enjoys reading, crocheting and good food, good coffee and good tea. What a great way to spend your spare time. I happen to know, too, that Sarah is writing a book called the Aquarius Experiment, which will be coming out. And I hope to have you back to talk about that book when you're ready to talk about it.

Yeah, definitely. Definitely.

But Sarah, tell us how you got in to the business of exploring what it means to be in a victim mentality and how you decided that that was something you really wanted to focus on.

Well, I feel like as with anything else, I didn't go, you know, like with astrology. I didn't set out to be an astrologer. Same with victimhood. Coaching is I didn't seek it out. It found me. And I kind of want to back up just a little bit and distinguish the type of victim mentality that we're talking about here because I think most people, when they hear the word victim, they think victim of a crime or victim of, you know, an event or whatever. And yes, that's part of it, but we're actually talking about the mindset of being in victim or victimhood as I like to call it. But victim mentality, meaning, you know, life happens to you, these circumstances happened to you, and you know, you are therefore then at effect of those circumstances. So you can't get where you want to get in life because of your childhood, because of, you know, you, you because of this, because of that, because of that relationship. You know what I'm saying? So we're, we're, you know, you have this limitation. Heck, we can all be victim to being disabled and we don't have the resources. Right? But there's, you know, people who have all of the same limitations that you have that I have that anyone else listening has, and they're still, you know, succeeding at whatever they set out to succeed at. So we are talking here about, like, the victim mentality of, you know, I can't get where I want to get because of fill in the blank with whatever your circumstances are. And so how I really got into this was I got called out. I was, I was in my coach's training program. This was back in 2017. And I, I don't remember what I said, but I remember that my co, My peer that was sitting next to me sort of chuckled and said, you're so victim, you don't even know how victim you are. And I'm like, what? What does that even mean? I didn't realize that I was playing the victim role, that I was stuck in my own victimhood, that I was, you know, I couldn't make my payments, I couldn't be a successful coach. I couldn't do fill in the blank because I was blind, because I, you know, couldn't read the assigned reading because I couldn't go get a waitressing job. You know what I'm saying? Like, I was stuck in the loop of being a victim. And so that's the first time it showed up for me. And then Further along in 2019, I attended a couple of ACA Adult Children of Alcoholics group. I never did the 12 steps, but I attended a few meetings just to see what the experience was about. And there was a person that was sharing and said the exact same thing. Thing is, I didn't realize how victim I was until it was pointed out to me. And I think that's where a lot of people don't get It. Right. They. And I didn't want to. I didn't want to see the. My own victim mentality. That life was happening, you know, to me. Life was happening to me. You know, I was faced with, you know, abusive relationships. I was faced with visual limitations. I was faced with all of these things. And it took diving into very intense coaching and therapy to really see how badly I was playing my own victim game. And then I started challenging myself to break out of it. And that's where things started to really shift. But so I didn't seek out victimhood, coaching. It found me just like astrology, just like everything else that I think I feel like I've studied, you know, most of what I've studied and, and mentored and, and supported people over the years is, is things that have found me.

You know, I think sometimes we can set a lot of goals and be goal driven if we, if we know what we want to do, but things do find us. I remember in graduate school, the instructors wanted me to become. To study vocational rehabilitation, counseling. And, and I rebelled. I said, I am not going to be put. Just because I have a disability doesn't mean that's my calling.

Yep.

And. And so I didn't do it. And in the long run, eventually I got a job being part of a team at the Oregon Commission for the Blind. And people were thanking me and telling me that they really appreciated what I was bringing to the table. And I thought, why did I find it all this these years? How do people end up finding themselves playing, playing that role and find themselves in the mindset of being a victim?

I, I mean, with anything with personal development, there has to be an awareness about it. And a lot of people don't want to become aware of it because then they have to do something about it. So it's better if they, you know, it's, it's better if they turned, turn, you know, turn the other way. You know, I don't want to see that this is something I can do something about because then I have to do something about it. Right. I have to take responsibility. I have to, you know, take action, you know, and, and it's very common in many cases, per your story that you just told, like, about what not wanting to do vocation, rehab, rehab, counseling, it. That's very common that people don't want to do what's perfectly in alignment for them because it takes work because it, you know, it's, it's, it's. There's also like, that air of, like, a lot of people like to be in dissatisfaction because that gets them attention and then they don't have to take any act. Again, this all comes back to they don't have to do anything different. So it's easy to stay in the victim mindset and many of us are there. Look around, look around the world. Lots of people are in a victim mindset. It's very evident. And the more I do this work and the more I, you know, worked work to like remedy or clear myself of my victim mindset, the more I, it's very evident in other people, you know, and I catch myself in it too. So I mean, don't, don't act like I'm, I'm completely healed from this because I don't think that'll ever happen. But when you sit in victim mindset, you don't have to choose, you don't have to make it go differently. You get to sit and stew and complain and, you know, I can't and, and all of these, these self deprecating, you know, phrases and, and what? You don't have to do anything different. You get to sit in the victim mindset because you can't do anything about it.

Let's face it, things do happen to us that we don't have control over. Like I didn't have control over being two years old and getting croup and waking up with significant visual and physical disabilities.

Circumstances will always happen to us, right? We are always going to experience life because that's what we're here to do is, is live life right. However, I, I feel like, so for me, how that showed up is as an adult who's legally as visually impaired, you know, my family doesn't understand why I do life differently, right? I lived in my family's small little town that they love. They were all born there, raised there, many of them still live there. But for me, I hated living there. There was no transit, there was, you know, know, it was a hard time making friends because everyone, you know, who does live there was born and raised there. So they had their own little clicks going on. And so for me to function and do life was very challenging, of course, and, but I, so I could not prove convince. However, you'd like to word that my family, that that wasn't working for me. And it took me showing them by saying, you know, by basically texting my family every time I needed to go somewhere, like I need to go to the store, I need to go do this, I need to go do that. And them saying no, no, no. And eventually they all came around to. You can't stay here, can you? No, no, I can't. I have to move. And I did move, and now I have buses. And, boy, the freedom of having buses and, and, or any type of transit, you know, at my fingertips basically, to, to do my adulting and get my responsibilities taken care of is hugely different. And, and there's a lot of, there's an air of freedom there. So we, you know, we won't always convince our closest family members that we need things differently. And the phrase was coming up as you were talking about, like, your trauma, your experiences are not your fault, but they are your responsibility to overcome. So, yes, you have. I have. Many of your listeners have at least one limiting disability. Most of us, probably many limiting disabilities, and it's not our fault that we have those. It is, however, our responsibility to overcome them. Or at least maybe not so much overcome, but find ways of, of pivoting, adapting, accepting that this is how you need something done because of your disability. Right. I like things labeled and organized a certain way because it works for me and because I live alone, I don't have to worry about who that's affecting. Right. I. It, you know, whereas other people may live with other people, and therefore how they need things organized may affect other people. But that's when communication needs to be a thing. And you have to be your own best advocate, not a victim of. Well, I can't because the other person living in my household doesn't like it that way. But you, as a disabled person, has to be the louder voice in the room, so to speak, to say. But I need it this way because I'm blind. I actually once lived with a woman severely ADHD with very poor organizational skills, and she would change the layout of the kitchen, in other words, like, not put utensils in the same drawer twice. And I would just have to call her into the room and be like, I need to find the veggie peeler or whatever I was looking for that day, and she'd have to hunt it down. So we all get to deal with fun things like that.

So what, what have you found to be helpful?

I love this question because I have, like, a perfect example. So my family, which I have a very big family on both sides, but I mostly hang out with my mom's side of the family. But we, we have large gatherings where it's not just my family, but there'll be, you know, neighbors that come by and whatever. And, you know, so we're having cookouts and we've got the grill and we've got all the condiments and sides inside, right? So you've got this lighting situation where you've got the indoor lighting, but the outdoor lighting is completely different. And for me, that's like the hardest for me to function and is to, you know, in lighting changes and whatnot. And it got to the point where I wanted to help, you know, whether it was help set up or help bring everything in, help, you know, with something. And eventually I just sat my family down and I said, I want to help. I don't want to look like the person who's not helping. And we had to talk about it. What could I do to be helpful, to be a part of the, the, the social event that's going on, the cookout that's going on without being in the way, without dropping and spilling things that don't need to be dropped and spilled. And so we had conversations about it, and my aunt just said, and my uncle just said, you know, just remind us that we need to assign you a task. And typically that meant that I was doing dishes, but at least I was in a specific part of the room that I wasn't going to be in the way and I was helping get something done, which the dishes was important, right? Other times it would be, we need you to put all of these, you know, items into, you know, to go containers for people to take home or put in the fridge or whatever. So you kind of just have to be your best advocate because otherwise, yes, you look like the person who's like, okay, where is the bulls and where's the this and where is the that? But if you actually ask your family, what chore can I be doing so that I'm helping, even if that means that you're in one place, but then you're at least in one place doing your, your assigned or chosen task for that situation. But you're also not in the way. You're not changing lighting if you can see lighting, you know, so that you're risking bumping into people, dropping, you know, you're not doing that task. You're letting people who are sighted do those tasks. And so you kind of have to be your own best advocate about it. And, you know, we get in that victimy mindset of, well, I couldn't help because I didn't know what to do. You also didn't ask what you could be doing to help. You know what I mean? So you, you've got to look at it and, and, and sit down and have those Conversations with your family. Families are like the last people to understand what you're truly experiencing in life. My friends totally got it before my friends got it or before my family got it, so.

Right. Well, and this is actually to reframe this. Needing to have those conversations, if we can reframe it can be seen as empowering.

Yes.

Rather than saying I can't because I'm this, we're actually saying I can. And here's how.

Yes.

And it changes the. The experience. I know that there's other ways that we can find ways to fit in to our social networks and such by showing what we can do. When I was going to church, I decided I was going to listen to the announcements about what was needed, and when I heard about something I could do, I would go volunteer myself. And. And then I started being sought out for those things. And not only did I get to be helpful, but I made friends in a very real way because I was participating.

Yeah.

And they. They started to forget that I had disabilities, and they started to remember, I don't like making the phone calls. I'm not the one that wants to schedule, let's call Daria.

And so, yes, absolutely. I'm a firm believer that we all have some way of contributing in. In social, you know, in society in general. Like, I firmly believe that. I firmly believe that there's people that, you know, like, you know, we're talking about, like, publishing my book and like, you know, we were talking about, like, audio editing and whatnot. And there's people that can do those things. There's people that are really good at doing those things. I'm not one of those people. I don't need to be one of those people. Right. So I'm going to hire an editor to edit my manuscript, to fix all of my grammary things, to fix all of the wrong words, and, you know, to point out to me that this doesn't flow and, you know, whatnot. And then there's the layout person. You know, I'm not going to do those things. I don't want to do those things. Right. Similar to what you're saying, you know, your church group doesn't want to make the phone calls, but, Darian, you enjoy making the phone go right on ahead. You know what I mean? I promise you, when you say what you are able to do and come out of the woodwork and offer your support, you will get support in return. Right. I used to volunteer at a food pantry in my previous town, and the food pantry was legit, a half A block away from where I lived, which sounds very easy. And I was able to walk to it on most occasions. But then, you know, the snow, I mean, I live in the Midwest, so the snow, the ice, the frigid temperatures, and I literally could not walk to the food pantry. But because the people enjoyed having me there. Yes, these people would drive around the corner to bring me safely to the food pantry because everyone enjoyed having me there. And I was somebody they could, could get, you know, because we had people who lived in the country who couldn't always get into town. And so, you know, you get the support because you've offered your support. So it is a two way street. And that then becomes things are happening for you. Right? You're getting to experience connecting with friends at church. I'm getting to experience connecting with people at the food pantry because I've offered my support, you've offered your support, and they're in turn going to. So then things are happening for you. Right?

Right. And I think we're talking about a couple of things here that I want to touch on a little more deeply. The first one is codependence. And whether we have disabilities or not. I know a lot of people who are, have no visible disabilities that struggle with codependence. And we did have an episode about codependence. That was when I interviewed Abigail Gasta. And people in our lives, whether we have disabilities or not, sort of get locked into their own ways of navigating and sometimes they don't always complement each other. And when we have challenges, like I do, like you do, like many of our listeners do, it's a, it's a dance to try to break that habit of codependence. How have, how have you done that, Sarah, broken that habit of codependence?

Well, and I, I don't, I haven't listened to that episode in quite some time. But just knowing Abigail the way that I do, I would say that it's an interdependence that we want to shift to. Right. We are here to. Not simply you. You know, from the disability perspective, it's very easy to be codependent. Right. Because we are dependent on other people. But I think, like what we're talking about with the whole support back and forth, that's an inter dependence. Your church is depending on you to make the phone calls, and in turn you're dependent on the church to connect with other people. Same with the food pantry. Right. I am dependent on the food pantry because I enjoy volunteering. And I was also getting food there, but they're dependent on me to be there to volunteer, you know, so that they can be doing other tasks. And I did have a specific task that I did at the food pantry so I didn't have to again, move around the room while there was, you know, 50 other people moving around the room. So it's an inter, inter dependence. It's, we each need each other, we each need to depend on each other, right? Where codependence is, more of you can't function at all without that other person to validate you or, you know, do the things for you. Whereas interdependence, we each have something to bring to the table to offer the situation. And I think that a lot of people with disabilities, now quote me if I, you can correct me if I'm wrong on this, but I feel like a lot of people with especially physical limit limiting disabilities tend to think that they, they have to be reliant on other people because they feel like they don't have something to offer in return. So they get in that codependence loop as opposed to shifting it to, yes, you are dependent on your caregivers, your family, your people to drive you, your people to do this, but you also have something to offer them in return, even if it's gas money. That's still an interdependent loop, right.

For me, I think I'm getting there. I, I understand these concepts. I think it's even harder sometimes for our families, for example, who, who at some point realized I have to be part of her support system. And it's hard for them to let go and let us be our true selves.

I was very hesitant to move back home anyway because I knew what I was getting myself into. But I did it to support my mom who needed me at the time. So it was necessary, it was a necessary move. When it happened, I think it was getting to the point where my, I was surviving okay because my brother and my sister in law were supportive and my sister in law would, you know, help me get, you know, where I needed to get when I needed to get there. But then when they moved away, it was kind of this realization of like, my aunt, my cousins were like, we will help your mom, we will support your mom. You need to go do your life the way you need to do it. So, and my mom fully supported me moving, so I had full support now. I had lived in that town for like two and a half years. And so they all kind of saw what it was like for me having to get groceries, having to get to the bank. You know, the simple things that I couldn't do independently because I lived in such a small town. So I think it just, they, they understood it after a while of just, you know, the whole thing. Like the things that they could do on a daily basis or on a regular basis I couldn't do. I had their full support to leave by the time I was moving away. So I was actually really grateful because I did get that two and a half years to be around my family for them to actually see what my life was like, because I think we don't get it. Right. I've lived away from home for 30 years. I've lived in different cities, you know, had public transit, had friends, had, you know, whatever I needed, resource wise. And I, I think they just didn't realize that until I lived in their town. And I think that they just saw it. They just finally saw it, like, oh, you actually, like, not driving really sucks.

And so realizing what our gifts are, I don't you think that's one way to help us reset our mindset?

I think so. You know, I mean, for me, like, a lot of the shifting started when I just, I mean, I literally just changed the podcast I was listening to. It was really kind of that simple. I think I absorbed it by osmosis. But I started listening to, like, military podcasts. Jocko Willink, for example, who's a former Navy seal, right? And Jocko's philosophy is discipline equals freedom, which meant jack crap to me for the longest time. But just, just shifting, like, how I went, you know, because you can look at these limitations and you can let them consume you or you can do things regardless of the limitations. Right. Does that make sense? Like, yeah, like, I've since been hiking mountains in four different states. When I, I thought I. There's no way I could hike a mountain. I'd fall. First of all, I'm from the Midwest. I'd fall off a cliff. That's literally. It's an ongoing joke within me. Climbing mountains is. I have this. I'm from Illinois, so, like, it's flat in Illinois. And so whenever I climb mountains, there's like this ongoing joke that I'm constantly in fear of falling off a cliff. I've never been at risk for that, by the way. But I couldn't have imagined, you know, hiking mountains. And now I've done it in four different states. And it's, it's easy to say, like, you know, the navigation, the terrain, the, the, the, the depth perception that I don't have. And you know, it's, it's easy to, to say that like I'm blind and I can't do that. It's also a lot harder to say I'm gonna do it anyway. And I did do it anyway and I did have support, I did have sighted people. There's no way I'd go do it by myself if I knew. Maybe if I had a trail that like I knew and it was roped and, and I could follow my own, you know, marked lines or whatever. But, you know, I wouldn't, I wouldn't just go randomly hike a trail. So, you know, it's, it's. I think we can get really stuck in our own limited thoughts of what we can and we can't do. And society doesn't make it any easier by giving us, you know, labels after labels after labels, you know, of, of which is further to me that further limits our own mindsets that we have these labels. And I'm going to try not to mention any of them specifically, but I think that you understand what I'm talking about.

Right?

And so there again, you get to dig your heels in on being an, a victim. You can't because you have this label or that label. And sure you have those things, but those, when we get into the whole idea of those defining who we are versus yeah, I have that thing, but I'm still going to do, you know, I'm still going to write a book and I'm still going to climb mountains and I'm still going to travel, you know, be a nomad, which I was for like three years.

Well, so we're really talking, I think, about moving towards what are the tools at our disposal to help us adapt our mindset and help us really be part of our own solution. And we've talked about how circumstances do come up for us. And I just want to refer back to a couple of my previous podcast episodes. So I teach the Happy for no Reason model developed by the authors of the book Happy for no Reason seven Steps to Being Happy from the Inside Out. And they define happy for no reason as a state of inner peace and well being that is not dependent on our circumstances. Circumstances, because we all come up against our circumstances every day. And one of the tools that they suggest, they call the blame, shame, complain game, and they define the fast track to unhappiness or victimhood is blaming, shaming and complaining.

Huh?

Blaming is what we do to someone else. Shaming is what we do to ourselves. And complaining, it's Toxic.

Yes.

Defines our negative mindset. If we allow ourselves to stay there and we talk about emotional contagion, when we do that, it rubs off on people around us and they challenge us to actually challenge our families or ourselves or groups of co workers to play this blame, shame, complain game. And you can do it by putting, coming together and Everybody has like $21 bills, or you can use quarters. I had a client use toothpicks. But when you notice that you are complaining or shaming yourself or blaming someone else, you have to put a dollar in the bowl, on, in your kitchen, on your table, wherever it is you. Because it is a visual representation that shows us how much we actually engage in those unhelpful thought patterns. And so once we become aware of it, the challenge is to notice and interrupt that tendency to do that. And eventually you might see yourself putting fewer dollars in the ball. And I'm telling you, I challenge myself and I never, I, so far, can't say I've ever made it through a day without complaining about something. And, and so I would challenge you all to test your ability to do that. There's another person I follow. Her name is Patty Lennon and she's an intuitive. And she challenged people to go on a complaining detox. Try it for five days. Just try it for five days. And she actually made a statement that really helped me conceptualize it. So complaining is complaining. If you find yourself repetitively complaining about the same things, if you find, if you suddenly hear yourself doing it all the time or it becomes kind of circular thinking, when you can shift that to solution seeking, it's no longer complaining

or even shifting it to a gratitude. Yes, like finding the gratitude in, like, the, you know, worse situations that you would find that you would normally find yourself complaining about.

Right? Yeah, right. And so if you can say, okay, I'm, I'm naming this problem and I, I, you know, I know this is something I want to work on. And then you begin to seek solutions, do some problem solving, do some planning, figure out what tools you have at your disposal, then you can shift your mindset. And I think that we have to do this on a daily basis. Yes, we're on a journey that we're, we're on a journey. We don't arrive and be done. It's something that we have to do every day.

It's literally taking time each day to do the important tasks. And that does not mean doing the dishes and the laundry. Yes, those are important tasks, but we're talking about mindset shifting types of tasks. Meditation, journaling, visualization, sound healing, if that's what you need. You know, taking time to get your exercise in, you know, things like that, that's how you shift your mindset.

Those things help us ground ourselves in our experience rather than letting our experience manage us. We all affect everyone around us. And right now in our world, we need this, this kindness, this acceptance more than ever.

Absolutely. Absolutely. I think if I wanted to kind of sum this up, I mean, this again is one of my favorite topics. And I know, I think Darian has my email link and YouTube and something, but if you want to work with me on this, this is one of my specialty things to work with folks on, and it's something that I really enjoy talking about endlessly, is breaking up with this victim mindset. But if I can give you one thing to go with, it's just, you know, do what you can to create your own awareness around what, like Darian said, what am I blaming? What am I complaining about? What am I shaming or shoulds or all, you know, all of these things that we feel like we're doing in, you know, the day to day or if we're not even aware of it. The easiest way to break up with your victimhood is to create an awareness around the fact that you're in that mindset. Because we all are to some extent, some of us more than others. And that's okay.

Do you want to recite your quote again for this episode as we close?

Sarah, I can. The quote is, you are here in this time and in this space for a unique purpose.

I encourage you all to explore what your unique purpose is. And thank you for joining us today. Sarah, it's been a pleasure.

Thank you so much, Darian.

We'll see you all again in June for another episode of get what you need and feel good about it. Take care.

Thank you for joining me today on get what you need and feel good about it. Remember, when you speak up for yourself assertively, you will get what you need and feel good about it. You will also be showing respect for yourself and for the other people in your life who are important to you. Until next time, try things. Thinking about it like Stephanie Lahart says,

it

say what you mean, mean what

you say, but don't say it. Mean.

Yes, the only way to do this

is with hope, not hang.