I'm Darian Slate and Fleming and thank you for joining me on get what you need and feel good about it. Do you find it difficult to ask for what you need? Do you frequently feel misunderstood? Do you have a problem or cause that you would like to learn to manage more effectively? What makes it so hard for us to tell each other how we feel and how do we speak up for ourselves so we get what we need and feel good about it? How do we do this? Respectfully, so that we honor the needs and feelings of others? Together, we'll explore tips, strategies and resources that, when used mindfully and consistently, will improve our results and enrich our relationships.

Hello and welcome. Come back to get what you need and feel good about it. This episode is entitled communication 101. So far this year, we have focused on John Fleming's keys to successfully overcoming barriers and living your dreams. John is my late husband and he was also a blind skydiver with over 1938 jumps. He refused to give up his dream of skydiving solo safely even though he was losing his sight. And he has three keys that help us pursue our dreams. They are be determined, do some creative brainstorming and ask for a little help from your friends. This year I have interviewed several inspiring people with differing disabilities who have overcome barriers and are living their dreams. They persevered and they are now living their dreams, the lives they love. Now I want to turn to offering a series on communication strategies, attitudes and skills that will help you express your feelings and needs more effectively. Get what you need and feel good about it first, I think we need to acknowledge that communication is a two way street. It's not just me. It's not just you. It's not just a service provider and me. It might be the service provider's company policies that he or she needs to uphold. We might be communicating with a spouse, a child, a professor, or a government official. There are many effective strategies that, when combined with other skills such as empathy, willingness, and a certain amount of emotional intelligence and common sense that help us communicate more effectively. We also need a certain ability to read other people's communication. On top of that, we need to be able to self regulate and co regulate. We'll be talking about these concepts and strategies in future episodes. To begin with, I think it's important to start with the basics. We'll build a foundation on which to build and strengthen our skills. There are a couple of communication styles that detract from meaningful communication. The first one is aggressive communication. An aggressive communicator tends to portray anger be judgmental and be inflexible or rigid, holding on to being right or having their way or the highway. Passive aggressive communicators don't express their feelings, especially with words. They hold on to their negative emotions and let that affect their interactions. This leaves us feeling confused and resentful. Think about a person who gives you the silent treatment or slams doors or stomps out of the room. This is passive aggressive communication. They're letting us know how they feel all right, but they aren't using words, and it doesn't feel good. Assertive communication is one of the most positive ways to interact. Assertive communicators are confident, but they are also respectful of the thoughts and feelings of others. Assertive communication creates space for honest conversations and promotes healthy connections with other people. Now that we have reviewed these approaches, we need to add active listening to the recipe. Active listening helps us feel heard and understood. We can do this by showing empathy, which really means understanding where the other person is coming from, being able to put yourself in that other person's shoes. This is made easier quite often because we may have gone through a similar experience. Having genuine positive regard for the other person helps. We do this by showing empathy and by being present. When we are present, we are not looking at our watch or waving to someone else, walking down the hallway, or looking at our phone. We are focused on the other person. We also show this through our body language, such as hand gestures, making eye contact, and turning our body to face the other person. Through our words, we convey more understanding by paraphrasing what we think we hear, such as, wow, what an interesting way to look at that. Or what a good choice you made. We might use reflection and help people name their feelings by reflecting back, saying something such as that must have been scary or even asking them, how did you feel when that happened? Finally, it's important to check for clarification to be sure that you understood what you heard. All of these skills help the other person feel heard and understood. And sometimes you are the person feeling heard and understood. Wait a minute, though. There's more we communicate in different ways. Verbal communication probably seems like the most obvious. We communicate verbally, face to face, and even remotely, like on the phone or on zoom. It's important to understand that our nonverbal communication also affects our connections. When we pair nonverbal and verbal communication, we experience a more nuanced and richer interaction. Our nonverbal communication through facial expressions such as a smile or a frown, affects the receiver or the listener. Our posture or appearance can enhance or detract from a relationship or an interaction. For example, a person who is disheveledly dressed, holds their head down, and uses poor posture may come across as having a lack of confidence or expertise. A speaker who is nicely dressed, on the other hand, holds their head high and makes eye contact with the other party, if possible, comes across as confident and credible. Still other aspects affect our communication, such as our timing. For example, if we ask our spouse to talk about financial concerns before their first cup of coffee, that might not go well. Or trying to have the same conversation as soon as your spouse walks in the door before he's had a chance to change his clothes, have a beer, or go sit in the shade, he might want to consider asking for time to have important conversations after dinner or after the kids go to bed. And don't forget your tone. An angry or dismissive tone is off putting and does not contribute to a person feeling heard and understood, and your presence is essential. Focusing on the other person being willing to listen matters. It takes awareness and emotional intelligence to fit together the myriad of thoughts, attitudes, and skills together to be an effective communicator. The more we can fine tune our style, the smoother our communication will be, the better our inner actions will go, and in fact, our relationships will be more satisfying. I'm looking forward to being with you again next month to begin with, examining each one of these attitudes, traits, and skills in more detail. Have a good month.

Thank you for joining me today on get what you need and feel good about it.