I'm Darian Slate and Fleming, and thank you for joining me on get what you need and feel good about it. Do you find it difficult to ask for what you need? Do you frequently feel misunderstood? Do you have a problem or cause that you would like to learn to manage more effectively? What makes it so hard for us to tell each other how we feel? And how do we speak up for ourselves so we get what what we need and feel good about it? How do we do this? Respectfully, so that we honor the needs and feelings of others. Together, we'll explore tips, strategies and resources that, when used mindfully and consistently, will improve our results and enrich our relationships.

Hello and welcome back. To get what you need and feel good about it. Today we are focusing on another episode to expound upon our last episode, which was about blaming, shaming and complaining. Today I am joined by Julie Womack from Hawaii to continue this discussion. And the topic of this episode is mindful parenting. And we are going to talk about the dynamics of parenting that sometimes lead to misunderstanding and even parent child estrangement. Welcome, Julie. Thank you for joining us.

Oh, my gosh. Thank you, Darian. This is such an honor. And, well, thank you for this opportunity because I feel like this is a topic that many people have to continue talking about. It's important.

Yes, it really is. And whether you have experienced it yourself or whether you know someone who has, we hope you will glean something helpful from this episode and share it with others. So, Julie, when I reached out to our community looking for someone who might want to talk about blaming, shaming and complaining, what prompted you to reach out and say, I want to be a part of that?

Well, thank you. You know, I've been on this rollercoaster of estrangement as well, for actually many years, and it hadn't been as intense as it is now. And so recently I experienced, I guess, a blowout with my daughter, and I just felt that this was the time that I need to change, that I want to get off that roller coaster. And I know there are many parents out there feeling the same thing because it's exhausting. It's very depressing. It can just consume you. Some other parents may not understand because they don't think it's a big deal, but for some parents, it is a big deal. And I just felt like it was an important topic and I wanted to join the conversation to give my perspective and maybe, hopefully it'll help somebody else.

Ray, it's so good to touch on this topic because family can be so, empowering and supportive and sometimes misunderstandings happens, and we can't quite figure out how to get back. One thing we know about happiness, according to the studies that Julie and I have been doing, is that there is such a thing as a happiness set point. And that set point is kind of like a level of satisfaction or dissatisfaction that we sit at. We hover around a certain set point. So if you picture your thermostat, you can raise and lower the temperature in your home simply by turning the dial on your thermostat. Or maybe you have an app for that today. And in our happiness work, we have the capacity to raise our happiness set point. We have the capacity to engage in thinking processes and activities that can help increase our satisfaction with life. This set point is determined 50% by genetics, 40% by our beliefs, thoughts, behaviors, and habits, and 10% by our circumstances. And most of us think that if we change our circumstances, we will be happier if we move to another city, if we get a different job, we'll be happier if we can just find that longed for relationship. But in reality, it's when we change our beliefs, thoughts, habits, and behaviors is when we see the longed for changes. But interestingly enough, I want to talk about that statistic of 50% of our happiness set point being determined by genetics. And what they say is, we can increase that set point in our genetics by changing how we conduct ourselves now. It will have lasting effects throughout the upcoming generations, and we can increase that likelihood of a higher happiness set point to 95%. And that's what I'm hoping that we will help people gain some insight about and even see if you and we can begin to work on changing how we approach our interactions with each other to make those lasting changes. Do you have any thoughts about that, Julie?

You know, it's easier said than done. You know, we say, just get over it, or, you know, love is the answer to everything, which I feel it is. However, if you're not aware of your own behaviors, your own habits, what your thoughts are, you can't control them. You just let them control us. But we should be controlling our behaviors, our thoughts, our beliefs. I think the problem with that is sometimes we keep playing the same old stories in our. And so we never get to the point where we can, we can adjust our happiness endpoint because we're so focused on the trauma that we just experienced. Yeah. So I feel we. We. It's easier said than done, because, you know, you can listen to all the statistics, but when you actually take the time to be aware of your own actions, your own behaviors, your own beliefs. Then I feel at least you're a little grounded somewhat, and you can start from there.

Right. And so the topic of this episode is mindful parenting and being mindful. Another way to describe that is becoming aware. Being aware. And that's what Julie's talking about. And to become mindful and to begin making those changes, we have to take ourselves off autopilot. We have to start noticing what is happening and what the consequences are and make a choice to do something different.

Here's a little tip for me that personally, what I. When I was experiencing that and I was playing the same old stories in my head, and I was asking myself, why did this happen? I finally asked myself a different question, and I said, well, how does that make me feel? And do I really like that feeling? And it's, no, I don't like that feeling. You know, I didn't like the tension. I don't like the anger, the resentment, all those things that boiled up in me. And so I finally decided that it's not what happened. It kind of doesn't matter what happened already. It's just that my focus has to be changed. So I started focusing on what I want to feel like, because I know what it feels like to be depressed or exhausted or disrespected. Well, I don't like that feeling. So I asked myself a different question. What do I want to feel right now? And I started working it from there.

And so I bet you not only said, what do I want to feel right now, but did you then say, what do I have to do to feel that way?

Exactly. Exactly. And that's when I started getting deeper into the happiness habits and, you know, doing a lot of inner work and even a little mirror work. And what I mean by that is all those things that, you know, you went through with your. Either your son or your daughter or whoever's hurting you, what we accuse them of doing and being, we actually were doing the same thing to them. They would get angry. I would be angry. You know, they would be resentful. I would be resentful. You know, she accused me of something. I'd accused her of something. So I said, that's enough. That's enough. That's not getting me. It's just making me more depressed.

Right.

So, yeah, I started from there, but you're absolutely right. What can I do? What can I do to change how I feel?

That's that. What can I do is so huge, because in this happiness work, one of the things I have taken from it is that when we're building our inner home for happiness, which is a metaphor for creating a container, for being mindful and actually taking the steps, the first part is creating a strong foundation for the work and that the premise of that is to take personal responsibility for my own happiness. And that means. That means noticing, taking myself off autopilot and doing something different.

Right. Right. And if I can add to it that when, you know, the whole blaming, shaming and complaining, we have to take our focus off of them and us. I mean, it might sound selfish, but what it means is you're actually going to do the work on yourself. It doesn't matter, you know, because I can play that story in my head over and over. She blamed me for this. She accused me of that. And I want to defend myself. Right. But why? I think that's a lot of. That's where a lot of people get stuck, because we, as parents, especially moms, I think, you know, we want them to know that that's not what it was, that's not what happened. And that whatever we did or however they took it, it was all out of love. But we cannot change how they want to receive it at this time. Right. We can only change ourselves. So I think once we get off of that and. And notice that you have to bring the focus back on you and how you feel and what can you do about it. I think after that, things start shedding, you know, and you start getting a little stronger. You start getting your feet back on the ground. I feel.

Julie, would you feel comfortable sharing a pain point or two that, that got you to this realization that you want to make a change?

First of all, in addition to what you're saying, I think it's important for parents to know that, you know, we all are going through our own journey, whatever that is, our kids and our. Our own selves. And we change. We change over the years. Right? I mean, our lifestyle changes. Everything changes. So it's not going to just be cut and dry. Oh, we made up with our son or daughter, and it's all going to be peaches and cream. I mean, life happens, right? But the thing of it is, if we practice these new strategies, that's. That's when we can handle things, when life starts hitting us. Right? And we don't have to go back to saying, oh, my gosh, I'm on this roller coaster again, because that's. That's definitely not a way to live your life, you know? But, yeah, my pain points are pretty much the same. The disrespect, the yelling, sometimes even a little physical, and it's just too much tension. And of course, I, as a mom, I guess I would say one of my mistakes and quotation marks is sugar coating things or making excuses for them. It came to the point where I finally had to realize, oh, you know, I can have empathy. Like, I have empathy for my daughter right now. Like, as you said at the beginning, they have such busy lives, they don't realize what's happening right now. You know, and we as parents, and of course, maybe being older, we have a little more wisdom. We just have to realize that it does come to a point where you have to practice. Practice the strategies so you can be prepared for whenever something like that comes up. I mean. I mean, and it's not only with your kids, it's to face someone else who's being a bully or whatever. Right. But it helps. It helps to know what to do, you know, and how to handle it. So really, again, I go back to the key of being aware. Being aware of your own. What you can control and what your own behaviors are.

We were talking about how when we are young parents.

Yes.

And when we have young children, we get so overloaded and overwhelmed with all the responsibilities of having to get up and be ready to go to work and making sure we access our resources, so we put food on the table and making sure our kids get transportation to school and financial worries. And we get so caught up in that that sometimes we lose sight of how we are responding, is affecting the other people in our lives. And our kids don't have the emotional maturity yet to understand that perspective. Right?

Yes. Or appreciate it. You know, I remember when I was a young parent, my mom used to say, you know, I don't know how you do this and, you know, gotta do this and this for you. My daughter, you know, I was a single parenthood, but, you know, my family helped me and I so appreciated that, you know, and what I feel our kids, well, in my case, my daughter doesn't appreciate right now that, I mean, she had such a good life and, you know, she has a good life now with her kids, but she doesn't realize how. How better it could be if she just bring down the walls and, you know, ask for help or, you know, have good relationships, for one thing, because that's showing your kids also how to have a good life. You know, relationships are so important. You're right. They don't understand what the sacrifices we have done. We have gone through for them and what they're going through now. And unfortunately, their sacrifice to me is very costly because it is relationships, and relationships are, to me, is your number one thing. School, work, family kind of shapes you and shapes your character.

It does shape us, and that's a really good point, because, you know, when we are kids, we do not have the brain maturity yet to understand that there's more than one way to think about something or more than one way to do something, right? That's when the shaping starts, because we don't understand that. And so whatever people say to us or about us, or we absorb from the media whatever happens to us, we internalize those thoughts and feelings. And now, when, now, Julie and I, we as parents, we're adults, and we say, how did this happen? How did we get to be this way? And now we know through our work that we have a choice, right? We don't have to live that old narrative anymore. We can change it, definitely.

And at the same point, the parents. Parents, we kind of learn as we go. There's no manual to be a parent. So all the accusations your children might, you know, throw at you, they receive it in a different way. But I feel like we shouldn't be guilty of our mistakes. I mean, we all make mistakes, but I don't feel like. I feel like I gave my daughter a really good life, you know? And when I was growing up, I mean, I probably gave my parents a hard time, too, but. And there was no personal growth in those days. You know, I grew up in the sixties, but it was so much easier then. And, you know, my mom and dad told me something, and I had to listen, you know? But nowadays, I don't think our kids like to hear anything from us. You know, they think they know everything, and that's fine, too. But they will learn. They will learn that it's not the easiest way. Like you said, there's always another way, you know, another solution. Or many solutions, actually.

Well, we were kids once, and we blamed our parents.

Exactly.

And we got shaped, and our parents got shaped by their parents. And at some point, we have to break the cycle. I wanted to bring up something we've been alluding to in this discussion, and it's the idea of emotional contagion when we act in the ways we do because we're frustrated, because life is too much for us, our actions and reactions shape our kids. And if we're angry, they become angry. Like Julie was saying, I was angry at my daughter, and she got angry back. That's the emotional contagion. And that's what we want to see if we can achieve a turnaround with, so that our kids and their kids create a new narrative and learn to respond differently with curiosity and joy, so that we can turn this around moving forward.

Right, exactly.

Since we're talking about ways to reverse this emotional contagion, ways to heal ourselves and thereby future generations, we want to share a couple of strategies with you that might be helpful. And before we do that, I want to refer back to a strategy that I shared in the previous episode about blaming, shaming and complaining when we talked about the Sedona method. It's a method to help us learn to let go. And the. And you ask yourself some questions. The first one is, could I let go of this? The next one is, would I let go of this? But I want to focus on the third question, which is, would I rather have this feeling or would I rather be free?

Like I said, I always go back to that question, how? Because I remember how it felt to be depressed or to be, you know, exhausted and disrespected. And I always go back to that similar question, you know, how do I want to feel right now? How do I want to feel? Sometimes you have to take life moment by moment because, you know, things get in the way, and then we get all crowded in our mind with what happened and we can't let go of this. But what if you did let go? You know, how would you feel about it? You know, what relief would you have? And that's what I was looking for. That was my desperation point, really, Darian, for me to really start into learning all these practices because nothing was working for me. I was still angry and resentful, but I just said, how do I want to feel? And I decided I'm going to change it.

Right. And so you started taking decisive action. You said an intention.

Yeah, yeah. And, you know, I was kind of. Yeah, I was kind of pushed to it, I guess, because I wasn't really thinking about it. I just knew I was miserable, and I didn't want to go living the second part of my life like that, you know, whether it was about my daughter or anybody. But of course, you know, my daughter, my family, that was most hurtful thing. And it was just a big void in my heart. And I just said, I can't go on like this. You know, it's ridiculous. So.

Yeah, right.

And so the first strategy or thought process that we want to talk about is forgiveness. Forgiveness is an avenue towards healing. And I have always thought about forgiveness in terms of having to get to the point of forgiving the other person. When we think about forgiveness, it's important to remember that forgiveness is also about forgiving ourselves, and then we might find it easier to forgive the other party. So we have a couple of strategies or ideas to help you think about how to approach forgiveness. And I've asked Julie to talk about these strategies. So what are your thoughts about this?

Well, in addition to what you were saying, I just want to add on that when you forgive, it is hard to forgive at first. But when you forgive, think about it this way, that you're. There's always a lesson in whatever was uncomfortable. There's always a lesson that we as human beings, because we make mistakes, you know, we react. And so we always have to remember the lesson along with whatever happened. And if we can forgive ourselves, once we learn the lesson, then we can start forgiving ourselves. Like you said, I could have forgiven myself. Could I have done it in a better way, right? Or a better place? I think that's the beginning of it, because forgiveness, automatically we think, why should I forgive, right? Like you said, once we get to the point where we understand why we're forgiving ourselves first, it really makes it a lot easier to forgive others.

So you're actually saying, make peace with yourself. Find a way to make peace with.

Yourself and give yourself grace. Because we make mistakes in life. We're not perfect just because we're learning all these happiness strategies. It's a lifelong practice. So, yes, give yourself grace. And like you said, always look for the lesson.

Julie, can you share some, a couple of those forgiveness strategies with us?

Yeah, sure. So one of my favorites is it's a hawaiian ritual called, and it's a practice of forgiveness and reconciliation. Keep in mind, for me, my first thought is forgive myself and reconciliation. Like coming back to myself, coming back to the true person who I am. Because my behavior doesn't always define me. Because like I said, we make mistakes, we react, sometimes not in the best way. And so we're gonna have to forgive ourselves. So just come back to our true selves. So what it is, it's a short meditation that consists of four sentences. Find yourself in a nice, quiet place, because it is a meditation. And if you do have some background music, that's great. If not, you know, silence is fine, or in nature. And you're just going to ask yourself, well, you're going to close your eyes and take a deep breath, and you're going to say just four short sentences to yourself. And the way I do it is I always put these four sentences to myself. I always say it to myself because I'm forgiving myself. And then when you do it a second time, you're going to have somebody in mind that you want to forgive. So the first one, after you take a deep breath, you're going to just say. And you can say it silently or you can say it out loud when you're by yourself. The first one is, I'm sorry. You're telling yourself you're sorry. You're sorry for whatever happened. You're sorry for whatever reaction you had. The second one is, please forgive me again, forgiving yourself. Forgiving yourself for being that way, to know that that's not the true you. And then thank you. Thank you for the lesson. Thank you for making me aware of what happened, of how I reacted. And lastly is, I love you. I love you. I mean, there's no explanation. Just I love you. We all need love. And then you take a deep breath, and then in your mind, you just think of another person that you may want to forgive that maybe hurt you or betrayed you and that you, you love them deeply, but you know that they hurt you. So again, you want to just go through this, and I'm sorry. And what you're sorry for is that. That it happened, period. Please forgive me. And you're forgiving that person for their behavior or whatever they did to you, the hurtful thing they did to you. Thank you. Thank you for making me aware of. Of what happened. And then I love you because this person is someone you really care about. And then you just take a few deep breaths and you sit on that for a while. And if you feel a shift, pray. And if you don't, just know that it takes practice and it will come.

The next strategy we want to share is called look for the lesson and the gift. You want to sit quietly by yourself with your eyes closed, if you want, and take some deep, cleansing breaths and think about a situation that has caused you to blame yourself or others. Picture the person or the people, the setting, what was said or done. Imagine a situation and the setting, the people, what was said and done. And imagine yourself taking some figurative steps back, as if you're stepping back from movie screen and think about what part of what happened can I take responsibility for? Did I ignore signs of the problem? Did I act in some way to provoke this? Did my actions somehow escalate the situation of a situation?

Like I said recently, we had a little blowout. And, you know, I recall that in my mind sometimes. And the lesson that I learned was, you know, I saw myself what my role was in what was I in it, and I saw myself reacting not in a favorable way. I saw myself yelling back at my daughter, yelling at me. And so the lesson for me was I could have been more patient. I could have been a more active listener. Even though we know that we don't control the other person. That was my responsibility. I could have done that. And so that was a big lesson for me.

So your lesson was I could have acted in a different way. I could have been more patient. I could have set boundaries. I could have listened more.

Right.

So now ask yourself, if this was happening for a higher purpose, what might that be? Can I find a gift or a lesson in this and then write down some important thoughts or steps you can take or insight you gain as a result of going through this exercise? And then once you write those things down, challenge yourself, make a commitment to taking those steps? What lesson did you learn, and what did you, what steps did you take?

Julie, one of the most important things is to just be aware, aware of my tone of voice, my listening skills, and the gift that I take away from it is that whatever behavior I portray to anyone, I'm setting an example for whoever is around me, and it's not only shaping my character, but so I get to choose how I want to behave. Right. And so if I behave in a more favorable way, I feel a little more proud because I feel like I'm setting a good example. You know, my grandkids were in the room at that time, so for them, I feel like it could have been a better example of how to resolve problems.

So what did you do differently?

I changed the tone of voice. I approach things more with compassion and love now, and I understand that whoever is, I guess, sort of attacking me, it's really not about me. I've learned that, that it's really more about them and that they don't really mean what they're saying. Oh. You know, I don't feel like my daughter really meant what she was saying to me. And so I I have to practice that to understand that whatever I do, I'm modeling as well for other people. And that that was a big one for me because especially when there's children involved, I feel like, you know, we have to be a better person, period.

And there's no shame in saying out loud to that person, I'm sorry. I've thought about it, and I want to do something differently. You can always go back and make the repair. Now, Julie, are there any parting words that you would like to share with parents or anyone who is struggling with these challenges? Any words of encouragement?

Yeah, for parents? I would just say. I would just like to say, just acknowledge that it's not your fault. You're going to get accused of all things that might be untrue, and you know that. You know the truth, but don't use it as a weapon against your children. Just know that they're going through something. I would say just have empathy. It's hard when somebody's yelling at you. I get that. But if you can step back and just, you know, know that they're going through something as well and that it's not your fault, you know, we parent best. We know how, you know, the way it was modeled to us. Maybe just continue to be aware of your own behavior and how you want to be, how you want to feel, show up in your life.

In closing, Julie and I would like to share a couple of quotes. A few years ago, I participated in a community gratitude book writing project, and I wrote a piece dedicated to the day that my son was born. And this quote just reminds me of how much I love him and want peace and love in our lives for both of us. This is the quote, no one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like inside. And that is quoted by Kristen Probey. And Julie has an original quote. Would you share that with us?

Said, awareness is the key to how I want to be, and that's just making me accountable of my behaviors, my thoughts, you know? So whenever I start getting a negative thought or anything like that or something starts rising up in me, I always remind myself that awareness is the key to how I want to go.

Julie, it has been such a pleasure to get to know you through our conversations before today and to share this episode with you, Julie and I wish you all peace and well being. Thank you for joining us, Julie.

Thank you, Darian. Such an opportunity and great, great message. Thank you so much.

Mahalo, everyone.

Yes, Mahalo. Bye bye.

Thank you for joining me today on get what you need and feel good about it. Remember, when you speak up for yourself assertively, you will get what you need and feel good about it. You will also be showing respect for yourself and for the other people in your life who are important to you. Until next time, try thinking about it like Stephanie Lahart says it. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Say. But don't say it.

Mean.

Before it gets too late. And the only way to do this is with hope, not hate. Yes. The only way to do this is.

With hope, not hate.